After a recent keynote, I received a number of follow-up questions from the audience. They wanted to learn more about how to make feedback fearless, and their questions were so good that I thought I'd share them here. From dealing with pushback and unsolicited feedback to navigating cultural differences and faulty assumptions, these questions address some of the everyday challenges of giving and receiving feedback — and I hope you find my answers helpful.

On giving feedback

What should I do if my feedback is valid and constructive, but the other person won’t change their actions?

Sometimes, this inability to change results from an unwillingness to let go of certain beliefs. The best way to guide others towards new behaviors is to gently crack their confidence:

• Focus on “what,” not “why”: When asked to recount and explain details, people may suddenly realize complexities they didn't see before.
• Probe, don’t prosecute: Shift the tone of feedback from blame to curiosity. Ask questions to spur more reflection.
• Flip the frame: Encourage others to play the part of mentor and ask them how they might advise someone facing a similar situation. It’s both an empathy builder and an eye-opener that opens the possibility for change.

Any tips for giving unsolicited feedback?

Turn unsolicited feedback into an unambiguous offer of support: “I noticed that you (said/did) ___ and when I faced a similar issue myself, I found it helpful to ___. Would you like to hear more about that?” This approach upholds the agency of others and makes it more likely that your offer will be well received.

I’ve always been told to wait at least 24-48 hours before sharing feedback, but you made it sound like time is the enemy. What’s the best timeline for sharing feedback?

While it’s true that our ability to accurately recall information recedes faster than we realize, the real issue is how, not just when: When the time for sharing feedback arrives, pay attention to nonverbal cues, set clear expectations, and focus on specifics.

Feedback is very culturally specific. Any suggestions for how to use the WRAP approach in cultures where that could be seen as too direct?

When giving feedback, it’s always a good idea to prepare before you share. If you’re unsure of how your message and intent will be received across cultural lines, it’s a good idea to ask others how they would like to receive feedback (style, timing, format, etc.) and what you can do to deliver feedback in the most supportive way possible. For example: “I want to make sure that my feedback is helpful, not hurtful. Can you help me understand the best way to share it with you?” Even in cultures where candor can make others uncomfortable, these steps can build trust and understanding.

How should I give feedback to a group of people instead of only one person?

This is a great opportunity to utilize the power of positive feedback. Not only does it naturally spark more collective joy, but it can also be a powerful form of recognition –— and it barely costs anything! Start meetings with a technique I call “cause for applause” and highlight an accomplishment by a team member. Better yet, ask others on the team to “nominate” a colleague for going above and beyond. Making feedback positive and public is a great way to create a feeling of shared success among teams.

On receiving feedback

What should I do if my assumptions turn out to be wrong and the feedback I gave isn’t as valid as I originally thought?

Acknowledge the other person’s point of view and share your new insight. For example: “You know, I didn’t see things your way at first, but now I realize that ___ and I’m willing to think/do something differently now. Thank you for sharing this perspective with me.” This signals humility and a growth mindset, and by letting the other person know that you’re open to receiving feedback and changing your view, you may just encourage this person to do the same when you have feedback to share.

How can we tell if feedback has a positive goal to improve us or is given to scare and suppress us?

It’s not always easy to determine someone’s intent – after all, we’re often too close to the issue to evaluate it objectively. For clarity, ask people who you know and trust for their assessment of the feedback. You can also put feedback to the test by gauging its context, reliability and usefulness. And remember: Every piece of feedback, regardless of its intent, provides a learning moment that can help us grow.

On getting better feedback

I have a team member that doesn't give me feedback when I ask. What can I do to encourage them?

Try becoming a “feedback magnet” who attracts feedback from others by making it easier for them to share it:

• Get clear on your goal: Make sure others know what type of feedback you’re seeking.
• Lower the costs: Emphasize your desire to learn and that any feedback you receive will be treated as a gift, not a threat.
• Keep it simple: Ask for specific feedback about a single issue and avoid broad requests that could complicate the process.

I recently had "negative" feedback from a new manager. They have no previous experience of working with me and vice versa. How do I manage that situation, particularly as I disagree with their feedback to me?

Try to heal the hurt by replacing your frustration with curiosity, goal setting and reflection. We can’t change the way feedback starts, but we can always control how it ends.

Bonus: My feedback story

What was the most difficult feedback you have ever received?

It actually came in the form of a question: “Joe, who is the person you really want to be?” After years of avoiding uncomfortable truths about my work interactions, I had managed to alienate friends and colleagues – and even came dangerously close to losing a job I loved. This question helped me discover the joy of getting feedback and inspired me to make feedback fearless, once and for all.

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