On a recent Sunday, I was finishing up a set of dips at the gym when a trainer I'd never met walked over to me and said: "You're doing it all wrong. There's another way to do it. You don't want other people looking at you funny, do you?"

Her name was Teri.

Hi, Teri. Nice to meet you, too!

Turns out Teri was right about my form. What she got wrong was her approach to sharing unsolicited feedback.

To be clear, I don't mind when people offer me unsolicited feedback. Actually, I've learned to welcome it. That didn't happen overnight — it took years of practice and a TEDx talk to get there. But I've come to believe that feedback, even when it's uncomfortable, can be one of the most valuable things one person can offer another.

What matters, though, is the intent behind it. If you genuinely want the feedback to make a difference — if you care about the person, not just the outcome — then how you deliver it is as important as what you say.

A better way

Unsolicited feedback doesn't have to be unwelcome feedback. It just requires a little more intention. Using my interaction with Teri as a an example, here's how to do it right:

Lead with curiosity

Teri began with judgement, which made me defensive from the start. She could have opened with curiosity, like this: "I've been watching your form. Is there a reason you're doing it that way?" Or she might have said: "Would you be interested in feedback on how you're doing the dips? I have a suggestion." A single respectful question can turn feedback from an interruption into an invitation.

Put "why" before "what"

Establishing the right context for feedback is crucial, especially when it's unsolicited. Frame why feedback matters and the impact it can make. Teri could have said: "This adjustment takes the pressure off your shoulders and puts it where you actually want it." Once you give others a reason to care, they're more likely to listen.

Show before you tell

The most powerful way to share feedback is to model it. Teri told me that my form was wrong and that there was a better way to do it, but stopped short of actually showing me how. Most people learn better by doing, so whenever it's possible, give others a clear demonstration of what you'd like them to change or improve.

End with understanding

Teri gave me what I call "drive by" feedback: She sped off without asking me if I understood her message or had clarity about what to do next. By checking for understanding, you'll confirm that feedback has actually landed and provide others with a clear next step.

One final note on receiving feedback

There's also a lesson here for those who receive unsolicited feedback. When others approach you with their uninvited take, respond with gratitude, not grudges. While I didn't love the way Teri shared her message, she did help me correct a flaw in my form that I hadn't noticed before — which is why I kept my feedback fixes to myself and simply thanked her for noticing.

Most people would prefer to keep feedback to themselves than create an awkward interaction. If they muster the courage to share feedback, be sure to thank them for their willingness to speak up, especially if it comes from a place of care. I may not have liked Teri's form, but I'm sure glad she corrected me on mine.

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