Getting others to accept our feedback can be challenging, especially when we have tough news to share. Deep inside the human mind, negative feedback can cause others to become defensive, angry, and self-conscious. It can weaken their overall effectiveness at work. And it can even drive them to seek out others who affirm, rather than challenge, their positive self-view.

To deliver fearless feedback and make it a source of joy, we need a more helpful frame – from "window gazing" to "mirror holding."

Window gazing: Telling and selling

As its name suggests, “window gazing” is a process of telling and selling. Imagine two people standing beside the same window, gazing out at the same view. Ask them to describe what they see, and they might produce two different perspectives. Two equals, two views.

But what if they aren’t equals at all? What if there’s a power imbalance in their relationship, like the kind that exists when managers give feedback to employees? When those views collide, only one will prevail: the one who holds the power, and with it, the “right” perspective.

This problem tends to surface during feedback. When managers act as window gazers, their message comes across as judgmental and picky. It's focused on "telling and selling" – a series of pre-formed assumptions and prescriptions that aren't up for debate or discussion. Their view, their verdict.

Mirror holding: Listening and learning

We can change these dynamics by making a small switch that I call "mirror holding." Mirror holding is the conscious act of making your view smaller to allow someone else’s view to become larger. As the one holding the mirror, your job is to enlarge and expand the other person's view so that they can see things more clearly for themselves.

Unlike traditional feedback, this approach places a strong emphasis on development and coaching, not just critique and correction. Mirror holding produces two-way conversations that are developed by managers but ultimately directed by employees, who maintain more voice and choice in terms of what is said and shared during these conversations.

But make no mistake: Mirror holding does not diminish the role of managers. In fact, it gives them greater opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of their employees. Instead of acting with power, managers approach as partners – listening, prompting, and coaching their employees to define and describe their past performance and future priorities. Their job, quite simply, is to hold the mirror long enough for others to recognize what it is they’re seeing – and then take the steps to bring that vision to life.

Becoming a mirror holder

Making the transition from window gazing to mirror holding takes deliberate practice, but it’s something anyone can do with the right amount of effort and intent. Here are three practical tips to help you start holding the mirror:

Ask more, talk less

Mirror holders spend more time asking and less time asserting. Their feedback is guided by questions, not assumptions. Rather than try to force a change, mirror holders attempt to provoke an insight, tilting the feedback dynamics from power to partnership and from blame to inquiry. When leaders make their own voices smaller, they make other people’s voices louder.

Questions should be non-leading and simply worded. Let the conversation flow naturally. When feedback becomes a two-way exchange, both sides end up listening and learning more than before.

Listen and look

While the goal of mirror holding is to help others see themselves more clearly, it’s also important to be vigilant about what they say – and, more importantly, what they don’t.

Pay attention to the details and direction of the conversation. Does the other person seem to be holding back? What does their body language and tone of voice suggest? Scanning for those signals and looking for those clues will help mirror holders adjust the frame for the best possible view.

As a mirror holder, it’s your job to be a first-class noticer. Staying attuned to verbal and non-verbal cues of others is how you’ll help them discover things about themselves that may be obvious to everyone else but them.

Shape the path

At its best, mirror holding can build and sustain more positive and collaborative relationships between managers and employees. Having given others room for reflection, it’s the responsibility of managers to shape their path of progress. Staying with a “describe, not prescribe” approach, mirror holders should steer the conversation toward concrete next steps.

But unlike the forced format of a traditional appraisal, it’s up to the individual to decide which path to take. The mirror holder is there to shape the path, not lead the way. Ultimately, people change what they can control – and by providing others with greater voice and choice in how feedback is sized and scoped, managers increase the likelihood that people will act on the information that is reflected back at them.

The best feedback helps others understand their strengths and provides the encouragement and guidance to build on those strengths. Mirror holders set the conditions for positive and lasting change. Making that small adjustment in your mindset can produce a world of difference in your message – and just might help others see themselves in an entirely new way.

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