Stop giving feedback that you wouldn't want yourself.

From an early age, we’re taught the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. That’s what my parents taught me. It’s what my wife and I teach our kids. And it makes for a kinder, more decent society.

But when it comes to giving feedback, the Golden Rule loses its luster. If we let our preferences dictate our practices, we may end up putting our needs before someone else's. We think to ourselves, "Well, if this is how I like to receive feedback, surely they will like it, too!" But feedback is a "one size fits one" proposition. Some may prefer quick bursts of just-in-time feedback as things happen. Others may want feedback delivered later on, in writing, so they have more time and space to process it. When the objective is to "treat others the way we want to be treated," we end up playing safe and small with feedback, avoiding tough conversations, and ultimately missing the chance to help others improve.

I think we need another standard to size up our feedback, and it’s not gold – it's silver.

Call it the "Silver Rule of Giving Feedback."

It's based on the lesser-known Silver Rule, which holds: “Do not do to others what you would not want done to you.”

Put in feedback terms, it might sound like this:

If you don’t like the way others give you feedback, don’t give feedback that way.

There are lots of ways feedback can go sideways: Poor intentions. Bad delivery. Not enough data and too much ego. But no matter the cause, the result of mismanaged feedback is always the same: Blame and shame. Denying and defensiveness. Loss of status and agency. All of this belongs to what I call the feedback of fear, and it holds others back. This form of feedback never ends well – not for the person who gives it, and certainly not for the person who receives it.

Silver is the standard

So why does the Silver Rule make sense?

For starters, it takes a lot of the guesswork out of giving feedback. We don’t always have the luxury of knowing someone’s feedback preferences or piques. But when our operating belief is, “Do not do to others what you would not want done to you,” we don't need to be deeply familiar with how others do best with feedback. We simply need to avoid doing the things that get in their way. By steering clear of the patterns that create confusion, defensiveness, or disengagement, we make space for feedback that’s clearer, kinder, and far more effective.

Think of that as your feedback to-don’t list.  

Keeping a to-don’t list forces us to clarify our feedback approach. By thinking about the ways feedback has failed us before, we can become more intentional about what not to say or do when we're the ones sharing feedback. The Silver Rule serves as a both a filter and a compass for ensuring that our feedback turns out much better than the kind we've received before. And having a to-don't list is a simple and direct step in that direction.

Making a "to don't" list

A while back, I started to compile my own feedback to-don’t list, and it made me more aware of the ways I sometimes break the Silver Rule when giving feedback to a friend, a fellow speaker, or even one of my own children.  Here's what my feedback to-don’t list looks like right now:

Don’t sugarcoat

People can sniff out feedback that’s insincere, indirect or just plain insulting. Disguising feedback doesn’t soften the blow – it leads to more discomfort. (I see you, praise sandwich.) The best feedback always aims for the target instead of trying to miss what’s around it.

Don’t hold back

Some things get better with time, but feedback is not one of them. Withholding feedback raises the stakes, the tension and the possibility that neither you nor the other person will actually remember what happened. Memory researchers refer to this as a “forgetting curve,” the natural process of information loss that steepens unless we manage to interrupt the process of forgetting.  The longer we wait to share feedback, the shorter our memories.

Don’t overload

Giving too much feedback at once can lead to confusion, frustration and poor results. It’s like asking someone to take a sip of water from a firehose. If we want others to actually do something with our feedback, it must be right-sized for action. Stick to the power of one:  What’s one thing that others can change, improve or continue as a result of this feedback? When feedback is focused, it's easier to manage and measure.

The Silver Rule of Feedback isn’t perfect, but it creates space for real progress. When we get clear on what not to do, we avoid many of the pitfalls that complicate feedback. Our message becomes sharper, our delivery becomes more constructive, and we make it easier for others to take meaningful steps forward. That feels like something worth keeping on your list.

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