Good feedback is delivered with emotional intelligence.

Sharing critical feedback is a tough but necessary part of every leader's job. Many people prepare for these discussions by focusing on what to say and when to say it. That's important, but it's not enough. Good feedback is emotionally intelligent feedback, and it incorporates the experience, emotions and expectations of others.

People with a strong "feedback EQ" draw on their natural self-awareness and relationship management skills to meet the moment. The good news is that anyone can refine these techniques with practice and intention. Here are three features of emotionally intelligent feedback — plus ways to test whether your feedback EQ is as strong as you think.

Account for expertise

Start by accounting for another person's expertise. Feedback preferences tend to change over time. For early-stage employees, there may be a stronger desire for reassurance: They want feedback that's rich in coaching and context to guide their next steps. More experienced workers, on the other hand, may prefer candid and direct feedback that helps them advance their careers. Whether it’s honors foreign language students describing their ideal teacher or savvy shoppers looking for guidance on beauty care products, these so-called "experts" prefer feedback that's bare-knuckled. Novices want feedback delivered with white gloves.

Emotionally intelligent feedback looks and sounds different from person to person. Tailoring our message to another's expertise shows that we understand what others want and need from feedback at any given moment. When we right-size feedback to match another person's needs, we're more likely to deliver better results.

High EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Adapts the style and substance of feedback to match the person’s experience level
• Views feedback as a developmental tool, not a one-size-fits-all message
• Asks others how they prefer to receive feedback (e.g. style, medium, frequency)

Low EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Delivers feedback the same way to everyone, regardless of background or experience
• Believes that “tough love” is the only valuable form of feedback
• Makes assumptions about how people want to receive feedback

Hone your empathy

Empathy is the signature skill of feedback, and the better we are at understanding how others feel, the stronger our feedback becomes. For some, empathy comes naturally. For others, it takes intentional practice. But our capacity for empathy starts at a young age.

In one study, researchers gave a group of infants ranging from 14 to 18 months old two bowls of food, one containing Goldfish crackers and the other filled with broccoli. Naturally, the infants showed a stronger preference for the crackers. As they ate, so did the adults — but they expressed visible disgust while eating the crackers and obvious delight while eating the broccoli. When researchers asked the infants to pass them food, nearly 70 percent gave them broccoli. The infants may have liked Goldfish crackers more, but they sensed that their companions liked broccoli even better.

If there's a sensitive issue at stake, let others know up front. Saying something like, "I realize that what we're about to discuss is difficult, and I want you to know that I'm sensitive to the way you may feel about this" can be both comforting and clarifying. It demonstrates empathy, and it's also remarkably effective.

High EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Anticipates emotional reactions and frames feedback with care and clarity
• Names and normalizes emotion (“I can see this is disappointing - and I would probably feel the same way”)
• Balances candor with compassion, recognizing that people hear feedback best when they feel respected

Low EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Makes no attempt to understand the perspective of others
• Treats empathy as a "soft skill" that's irrelevant to performance conversations
• Avoids emotion altogether, seeing it as unnecessary or inconvenient

Show it, don't just say it

While it's important to show others we know them, we also have to show them carefully. Individuals who received negative feedback with encouraging social cues (such as smiles and nods) were more likely to interpret the feedback positively, while those who got positive feedback with negative emotional signals (frowns and scowls) felt worse about their overall performance. Even when we don't realize it, our "feedback face" is talking.

But giving emotionally intelligent feedback means more than just aligning our words and expressions. It's predicated on the act of noticing what others are showing us, too: a shift in tone, a change of pitch, a tightening of facial muscles. Picking up on those signals and addressing them in the course of feedback ("I get the sense that something may not be sitting right with you right now") sends the unmistakable message that feedback should be driven by relationships, not just ratings.

High EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Uses open body language, calm tone, and warm facial expressions to reinforce trust
• Pays close attention to what others are showing, not just what they're saying
• Signals trust and authenticity by aligning what's said and seen

Low EQ behaviors and beliefs:

• Delivers feedback with closed or dismissive body language
• Misses or ignores signs of discomfort or confusion in the other person
• Says supportive words but communicates frustration or disinterest through tone and expression

Good feedback is emotionally intelligent feedback. Tailoring our feedback to the unique needs of individuals and telegraphing our intentions helps them feel more visible and valued at work. Ultimately, feedback is about what do for others, not to them. And that's the emotionally intelligent thing to do.

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